You may have noticed that my blogging has become much less regular since I’ve been pregnant with my second… You would think that a new pregnancy would bring a new wave of birth enthusiasm, eagerness to write about it all, a more public exploration of my plans and anticipation for this baby…
But instead, I feel that I have become a little more quiet about it all. This has been a hard pregnancy for me- compared to my son, anyway. Way pukier at first, raging hormones, far more emotional, more frustrations with physical limitations, and a much more difficult time with exercising self-control.
I find that I’m much more nervous this time. Will I be able to birth naturally again? Will I lose it in labor? Will the baby be born safely? Will I keep calm? Have I prepared enough? Will I remember how to push? And if I need surgery for some reason, what will that be like? Will I cry with joy when I meet the child, or just feel relief that it’s over?
And then… once the birth is done… Will I ever sleep again? Can I deal with the exhaustion this time? How do I get into real life once my husband returns to work? How will I go grocery shopping? How will I get them both safely from the parking lot to the store? Clean the house? Get exercise? Bathe? Can I possibly do the stay-at home-mom thing successfully?
Will I be able to mother two children? Will I give them both enough time? How will my son’s life change? Will J like helping Mama with baby-care, or will he resent the creature that took away much of his mother’s attention? Will I have the chance to give my baby the same love and attention I gave my first? Can I teach them & love them well, bear with them and show them patience and grace daily?
The list goes on and on… More “what ifs” loom over me than last time, more fear.
But there’s also anticipation. Who will this baby be? Will it be a brother or sister? What will we name the baby? Will he or she look like Dada or Mama or Big Brother? What will J think of the baby? How will the children interact? What kind of adventures will we have together?
And, by the grace of God, there’s hope… Hopes that I will make it through, that I won’t feel discouraged 100% of the time, that I will maintain sanity. That millions of mothers before me have managed with far more than two children, and I will learn to manage as well. That everyone says that you are indeed able to love all of your children with just as much fervor as you loved your first. That other women have had the same fears as I.
And finally, I have certain knowledge that this baby has been made perfectly by his or her Creator. He or she will come in the right timing, and we will adjust to being a family of four.
I know that God will give me the grace I need to love and serve my family well- and there will be joy. Joy inexpressible at meeting this new little life and welcoming him or her into our family with open arms.